Chronicles of the ButtChin
by BoyShort
Summary: When working for Fei Wong Reed, you need to remember a couple important things, or everything might not go 'according to plan'. Total Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

Chronicles of the Asschin.

Warnings: **Obviously** has swears. Has Spoilers up to chapter 152. Is a total crack fic.

Notes: I uploaded this because of **extreme** begging to put this back online. I reread it, tried to make it a little better, oh well. Whatever quiets down Zaika.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Tsubasa.

* * *

Fei Wang Reed always wanted to cross dimensions. It was something that anybody who met him could easily tell. It was one of his weird obsessions…along with stalking travelers, of course. 

"You have enough magical power to cross dimensions…" Xing Huo stated, standing by his side patiently as always.

Fei rubbed his perfect manly chin in thought, wondering about all the things he could do, the worlds he could conquer, the _things he could slay_, when Xing finished her sentence…

"…but only your arm will fit." She finished, plainly as ever.

"What about my sword?"

"Yes. If you hold on to it, it can cross dimensions too."

Fei had the urge to stand up and do a silly little victory dance. He could still slay things with his favorite giant sword!

"Why don't you use something smaller, Fei? Wouldn't a smaller, lighter sword be of more use? Even Mr. Black, from the clone's group chooses stealthy thin blades." Xing recommended.

"Chicks dig giant swords." Fei slung the sword over his shoulder and walked over to the area where he could summon a dimension portal.

"Oh, do they?" Xing walked over by Fei's side, offering assistance.

"Haven't you ever seen Cloud, from Final Fantasy?" Xing shook her head. "Sora, from Kingdom Hearts?" Another head shake. "Inuyasha?"

She stared at him curiously. "No." Xing helped him open a portal. "What are you planning on doing, anyway?" she asked, curiously.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" He shoved his hand through the portal, along with his sword, and laughed when he heard a bloody-murder scream.

"You do realize you just slayed some kid's mother _while she was praying_, with the kid right outside the door, right?" Xing made sure nobody could see through the hole except Fei and herself, and then watched the other side. "And the kid saw you…" She was very interested in watching the boy's reaction, and scream.

"Do you think he can hear us?" Fei took his arm out of the portal.

Xing shrugged, and Fei took that as a 'yes'.

So, as it was closing, he screamed "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!" into the portal.

"..what?" Xing stared at Fei.

"I saw it in a movie once…"

"So you scream it at a kid whose mother you just killed?"

"….yea."

"I'm starting to think you don't have a plan…"

"I do! I do!" Fei put his hand to his chin, and gently puts down his sword. "Everything is going according to my plan."

"That's what you always say."

"That's because it's always true!"

"…**REALLY.** Even when our own agents get defeated, it's still going 'according to plan'?"

"…yes." He sips some of his wine.

"How much wine have you had tonight? You don't seem to be making much sense."

"_ITS MINE._"

"I didn't want it. I don't imagine that you'd drink anything but strong wine, and that wouldn't do anything but bad things to my body."

"…you're going to get stabbed with that kind of attitude." Fei eyed his giant sword.

"Would that go according to plan, too?"

"Of course." Fai rubbed his chin, showing off his fabulous masculine chin.

Xing, with barely any emotion at all, sighed. It was going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

Chronicle of the Asschin – Chapter 2

Warnings: Obviously has swears. **Has Spoilers up to chapter 152.** Is a total crack fic.

Notes: Uhh.. I still hate this. But, oh well. AnimeAddict333's Club Asschin sign influenced me to put this up for her, though.

And yes, this chapter has **A LOT OF CRACK.**

* * *

"Do you have anything planned to get rid of the mage?" Xing Huo quietly asked Fei Wong Reed.

"Hmm?" Fei Wong Reed gulped down some wine and glanced up at her. "What do you mean?"

"The mage. He will try stopping our Syaoran from reclaiming his heart from the clone. Are you going to do anything about it?" Xing stared down at Fei, hoping he didn't already have a lot of wine.

"We'll make Syaoran a cannibal, of course!" Fei laughed his evil villain laugh, which he's been working on all week.

"Are you sure he wouldn't end up eating the princess?" Xing quietly asked, still completely emotionless.

"Pfft. Of course not! We'll make him only like to eat _mage eyes_…or something." Fei rubbed his chin, trying to think hard but clearly failing.

"Do you know how we'd be able to do such a thing?" Fei looked at her and shrugged. "Why his _eyes_?" Xing internally shivered at the thought of eyes, but didn't let her expression change…much.

Fei turned to face Xing. "Why do you ask so many questions? Aren't you supposed to be simply a doll?"

"I suppose so, sir."

"Well, I wanted you to be cloned to look like Kurogane-chan, but that obviously failed."

Xing glanced down at herself before looking back up at him, her head filled with questions that would only lead to awkward moments and perverted answers. "…why him? Isn't he the guy who's mother you killed?"

Fei sighed "...fun times. But I chose him, because I need someone who also has a masculine chin, but a long sword, in case the fans decide that longer swords are sexier than big ones."

Xing decided not to press the matter, and after straightening out her dress, making sure she looked professional again, she returned to their previous topic. "You never answered me from before. Why are you going to make Syaoran eat eyes?" She slightly shivered again.

"Well, what else do you expect to symbolize magic? His fingernails? His lips, maybe? There's too many fangirls out there for yaoi. We don't need to influence them." He sipped his seeming never-ending supply of wine. "Can you help me open another portal?"

Xing nodded and followed him when he stood up and made his way to the wall. "To where?"

"This time, go to that wizard's past." Fei rubbed his chin, thinking as he walked.

Xing glanced back at his chair, where the sword still sat. "Don't you need your sword for this, too?"

"No one. I'm going to see if I can kill people other ways, and maybe even get the mage to stab someone else for me."

"..I don't think I can keep the portal open long enough for all that to happen."

"It's okay. The stabbing will happen in the future, and when that time comes, we can watch it through the stalker glass." Fei gestured to the giant class circle in front of his chair that was currently watching the travelers.

Xing Huo opened the portal. Fei walked over, and peered through. "…a kid sitting in a valley, with a twin in a tower that is wishing to die? That's not very fun."

"It's not my fault." Xing, who quickly became queasy with all the dead bodies, glanced away, still not letting her expression change.

"Well I'm going to blame you, anyway." He turned his attention to the portal, and stared at the two children again. "…are there really two similar looking kids in two different-but-similar-looking dungeons, or did I just have too much wine and I'm seeing things?"

"There are two."

He sipped his wine again. "Good."

"But you've had enough wine."

"Shush." He stuck his hand through the portal. "Do you want to get out? Out of…there? I can grant that wish."

Xing stood next to Fei, whispering in his ear "…it's called a dungeon, valley, or even cage. Not just 'there'."

Fei ignored her. "But only one of you can get out. Choose, you or the other one."

"You realize we have enough power to release them both, right? Why make her choose?"

"That 'her' is a guy. And it's more fun making him choose." He whispered back.

Both of their attention turned to the raspy voice. "…me." was heard through the portal.

"That guy's voice is creepy." Xing shivered. "What are you going to do now that he has chosen?"

"Kill the other one, of course."

"How are you going to do that? You can't use magical power to take the other one out of the cage, because they have more power than you. If _you_ could take them out of cages, couldn't they have done that?" Xing questioned.

"They're in a different world than we are. They currently can't use magical power, but I still can use all the magic I want." He wiggled his fingers as he said 'magic', smirking at his obvious advantage to the twin mages. "Plus, I don't think they know how to use their magic, yet." Fei, again, sipped some wine. He used his magic to make the other twin appear in the air, and then dropped her/him. "Let me guess. Now would be another bad time to say a movie reference."

"…yea, it would." She sighed.

"I'm getting bored with this. It's not nearly as fun as you'd think it would be."

"I didn't think it would be fun. You're the one who wanted to do it."

"Well, I thought it would be fun!"

Xing peered back through the portal "That kid is still staring at you with big eyes… I think he's expecting you should make a speech or something."

Fei sighed. "Fiiiinnnee." He pointed at the child, improvising as he went along. "This is a curse."

"Obviously." Xing whispered.

"Shush." He whispered back, before turning his attention back to the child. "Soon, someone will pick you up, to take you out of here. But one day, if someone surpasses your…" He thought for a second, before turning to Xing "What kind of powers does he have? Knitting? Sexual? Cooking? I can't remember…"

"…magical." Xing said, secretly wondering how she got a job with such a forgetful boss.

Fei sighed and started the sentence again. "But one day, if someone surpasses your magic, you will..."

"Kill them?" the raspy voice offered.

"…sure. I was going to say force them to become my magical servant, but I guess that works too. As long as you do it with a long sword."

"Why not a big sword? I thought you said they were the new cool thing?" Xing questioned.

"I don't want him to be cool. I just want him to kill something."

"I really don't understand you sometimes." Xing shook her head.

"What's not to understand? If he's cool, then he'll hog all the chicks! I mean, he's already hogging Kurogane-pon from me!" The portal closed.

"…Not to be mean or anything, but I really don't think that Mr. Black is your type."

A slightly audible sniffle.

"Fei?" Xing glanced at him.

He looked up at her and sniffled again. "You hurt my feelings."

Xing sighed. "You forgot to tell the kid the other curse."

Fei thought "Oh yea… But I think he'll figure out that his other curse is that if he somehow gets a limb removed, he will become an Angsty McEmoBitch."

"Is your eye a limb? If it is, then that curse will take effect." Xing shivered at the thought of eyes again.

"Crap. I forgot about that."

"May I ask, why do we have Syaoran, anyway?" Xing glanced into the other room that he was held in.

"Well, I already tried making Kurogane-ki, I don't like angst people, and I'm not interested in the chick or white pork bun. Do you know how hard it is to make perfect manly bodies, like Kurogane-bun? It's hard, so I went with the next best guy after you failed."

Xing Huo quickly decided she would never again ask about Syaoran or Kurogane. She would be too afraid of getting too much information in the answer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chronicles of the Asschin – Chapter 3**

Warning: Obviously has some swears. Has some spoilers up to chapter 152. Is a total crack fic.

Notes: Oh noes! A short chapter! I didn't know people liked this as much as they do. Oh well! Here you are, everybody!

Second Notes: I still kinda sorta hate this. But if the people like it, then I will.

_Disclaimer: I don't know if I put this in the first two chapters, but I obviously don't own Tsubasa Chronicles, Fei Wong Reed, or Xing Huo. No matter how much I love them._

**Please review if you like it!**

* * *

Fei Wong Reed sat in his chair, as always, sipping his wine with Xing Huo next to him. 

"YEA!" He stood up and cheered. "BEAT THEM!"

Xing sighed. "Shouldn't you be watching the travelers? Make sure they don't get off track?"

"They were boring me."

"…and a baseball game is any better?" Xing really didn't understand him some times.

"Shush." He sat back down and continued to watch the game. Xing began to get bored, but, of course, didn't let it show.

"How much longer until Syaoran is ready to be released?" she peeked in the other room.

"…we're readying him for something?" Fei watched her from over his shoulder.

"Why is he in a container if he isn't being readied for something?"

He thought about it for a minute, then responded. "Well, it's much easier to take care of him this way. He's not being all heroish and trying to destroy us and stuff."

Xing wanted to ask him why he would likes Syaoran like he does, if Syaoran was just going to try and defeat him, but thought better of it and kept quiet.

"_Home run!"_ the mirror screamed. Fei stood up and cheered.

"Don't you think you're abusing your powers at all?" Xing didn't want to watch the baseball game anymore. She wanted to go back to watching the travelers.

"No. Abusing my powers would be this." He lifted his hand, and he used his magic to make a pillow lift, and he lifted it above Xing's head and dropped it.

"…" Xing took the pillow and smacked him with it, using the smallest amount of her power necessary.

"Ah. I see the force is with you, too."

"...the force?"

"You don't watch movies very often, do you, Xing?"

"What do movies have to do with the force?"

Fei became bored with her, and ignored her.

"Sir? Why didn't we just call Yuuko and wish for the power to cross dimensions?"

"I tried that."

"She wouldn't let you?"

"No, she would."

Xing thought for a minute about why he wouldn't get it, but Fei interrupted her thoughts.

"She wanted me to give up my obsession with stalking, and my stalker mirror for it."

"…so you said no." Xing finished, and sighed.

Fei ignored Xing again, this becoming one of his newly-found favorite things to do, amongst having fantasies about some people, drinking wine, and thinking of all the evil plans he could do. He flipped the channel of the stalker mirror so it was back on the travelers. "Hey Xing, can we control where they go next?"

"Yes, but no we're not going to send them to an anime convention just so you can see all the fangirls try and push Fai and Kurogane together. You already asked me that."

"You're ruining my plan! What about-"

"No, we're not sending them to some fantasy land where the guys have to wear dresses and the girls don't. And even if I DO ruin your plan, there's always another one to take its place."

"You really are no fun, Xing."

For the first time of many that would come, Xing chose to ignore Fei.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chronicles of the AssChin**.

Warning: Obviously has some swears. Has some spoilers up to chapter 152. Is a total crack fic.

Notes: Alright, I kinda lied. I don't hate this as much as I said I did, but it still annoys me.

ANOTHER NOTE: I CHANGED MY NAME TO Boy Short. I'M STILL MESAME, BUT I GOT TIRED OF MY LAST ONE.

_Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. Tsubasa. The end._

**REVIEWS GET THIS WRITTEN/UPLOADED FASTER!**

* * *

Xing Huo lazily flipped a page in the book she was currently reading. Fei Wong Reed was sleeping in his bed, in the other room. Actually, Xing noted, he seemed to be snoring more than sleeping. She, not really being human, had no need to sleep, and thus did not. 

A crash was heard in the other room. She darted in, seeing Syaoran on the ground in front of his container.

Xing did what her first reaction told her to; she walked up to him, slapped him, and said "Do you realize how much that glass capsule cost?! We had to specially make it for you!"

Syaoran looked at her like he was going to use the same spell on her as he did to get out of the cage, and Xing backed up.

"As I thought… the seal couldn't hold you." Which really meant _'I knew you were going to hit puberty soon, and Fei's pedophile magic doesn't work on teenagers.'_In a much nicer, less creepy, way. Xing stared at him from the doorway of the room.

He didn't reply.

"Are you going to the one who possesses that right eye?" Which, when translated out of Xing's nice, formal talk, means _'You don't want to be around when Fei awakens and is pissed because we awoke hi__m, so go while you can'_. Xing walked toward again, making sure to keep her eye on him in case he decided she would be a good person to slaughter…or something. His facial expression never changed, so it was hard to tell what he was planning.

Xing had to wonder if she had the same effect on people.

The boy responded with no comment.

"I'm not going to stop you." Xing badly wanted to add on 'but you better take me with you', but she knew that Fei would hunt her down someway and bring her back. She'd just be wasting magic.

Xing waited a minute, just to see if he would say anything, and after he didn't, she said "You're too weak to cross dimensions, so I'm going to help you. I can only do it once, though, so you better like where I send you." She started casting the spell, knowing that her boss/master would be pissed if he saw she could transport him to different dimensions.

"…why?" Xing almost jumped at the voice of the almost-completely silent boy.

Xing stared at the boy. "We don't need any more people around here. It's already been Hell since Fei hired Dr. Kyle to work for him as well." A slight shuffling of noise behind her made her not add on 'Thank God he's not up right now.'

He left quietly, and Xing sighed, turning around to face the noise-maker by the doorway.

"It looks like that cannibal blood you injected him with, Sir, didn't work. He didn't eat me." She turned around and walked over to where Fei was watching.

"You should have looked close enough to a human for him to try and gnaw on your eyes. Maybe he's gay or something, and he only eats male eyes?" He shrugged.

"Did you inject the right Syaoran?" Xing learned the kid's name from the many times Fei used it.

Fei shrugged again. "So what if I injected the clone? You can never have too many cannibals!"

Xing sighed, walked over, sat down on the couch, and flipped through her book again.

She didn't get to read very far, when Fei interrupted her thoughts.

"Can we make another one?" Xing buried her head in her book. After all the trouble of containing Syaoran, and making the clone of Syaoran, making Syaoran a cannibal, and feeding Syaoran, she was definitely not putting up with another ANYTHING.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chronicles of the ****Asschin**

**Disclaimer: I don'****t own ****Tsubasa.  
****Note**: I'm gonna be a bully and beat up the anime version of Tsubasa in this chapter. Hope you don't mind, but if you haven't watched the last episodes of Tsubasa, you might not understand it.**  
Second Note**: I lied. I don't hate this as much as I said I did. But I still don't like it. I'm updating, though, since it seems like not many new fanfictions have been coming out. I wanna keep the readers ENTERTAINED!

Uhh.. I'm sorry if someone loses an arm due to my chronically bad puns.

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Fei slouched in his chair.

His Mokona shaped walkie-talkie, which he bought because he saw how all the cool kids used them, buzzed, showing it was picking up signal.

"I tracked down the source of the power. It seems to be coming from someone by the name of 'Chaos'." Xing's voice rang out, in all its dull glory.

He smirked for a bit, before coming in to realization. "How did you find him?! Are the travelers in our world already?!" He yelled into the pork bun walkie-talkie, slightly angered.

What would happen if they were already at his world? He wouldn't get to kill more mommies, that's for sure! Nor would he ever get to create a perfect clone of Kurogane-chan!

He growled at the thought.

Stupid heroic kid, stupid princess, stupid mage, and stupid sexy ninja. They need to learn how to keep their hands away from his world.

"No, they are not in our world yet. I am in a different world." She announced, still quite deadpan.

Fei sighed, not really sure if he was supposed to be angry or relieved about the answer.

I mean, why can Sing even make herself transport between worlds, but he still can't?!

Couldn't he even take her with him, and she would just be his transportation devise?

Xing's voice echoed through the manjuu-bun. "Do you want me to take 'Chaos's side against the travelers?"

"Yes. It will speed up the time it takes for the princess to get her memories back if someone like 'Chaos' is there to guide her." He nodded, but a realization came into thought. "Waait! What about my other beautiful plans! They won't be put into motion! I can't have that!" he beckoned "I command you to just sit by and watch. No attacking. That's a big no-no. Especially when attacking puts Kurogane-kin's life in danger. Do you know how much I'd worry about him if you started sending all our teenage mutant ninja freaks after them?"

"Alright." Xing stayed in the shadows of her current location, and took out her magazine again, starting to flip through the pages.

"Where's Kyle?" Fei darted his eyes around the room, scanning the area as much as possible while still being a lazy villain.

Xing glanced up from her magazine, where she knew the stalker mirror would be looking at her. "He said something about black crows, feathers, and missing children. I think he might have gone crazy, sir."

"Crazy?" he rubbed his chin. "THIS. IS. –"

"No, this is NOT Athens. This is the third time you've tried saying that or 'This is Sparta'. What IS Sparta, anyway?"

"Sparta is MADNESS!"

"What?"

"MADNESS!"

"…what?"

"Madness!"

"I don't understand, sir."

Fei sighed again, realizing she would never get it. Xing really needs to get out more, so he can say those lines without Xing interrupting him or anything. "Never mind." He contemplated kicking her in a hole, because it obviously looked awesome enough in the movie that he just HAD to try it out, but decided against it because he wouldn't have any chance of going through dimensions otherwise.

Xing glanced over, around the corner of the building that she was still leaning against. "It seems that 'Chaos' is transforming."

"Into what?"

"A giant bird."

"…a giant bird? What kind of power is that?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Well... screw cross-dimensioning. Bring 'Chaos' back to the lab, and I'll steal his power AND his name!" Fei laughed at his plan.

"You killed the ninja's mother, made the mage's childhood horrible and almost unbearable, and cloned the kid so that he'll eat the mage's eyes. You're practically ruined their lives, and now you think you can change your plans on a whim, as if none of that happened?"

"Yea, why not? I'm the one pulling the strings, anyway."

Xing raised an arm, using her powers to release a couple of the weird ninja people. Unfortunately, they didn't do as they were supposed to, and they flew in front of Sakura's frozen body, preventing the mage and ninja from getting to her.

"Why is the Princess frozen?" Fei couldn't help but ask.

Xing stared for a moment, wondering when the ninja and mage would figure out that, since they can fly, they can just go above or under the weird ninja people to get to their target. "I don't know, sir." She said in a daze, not completely paying attention to him.

Fei glanced at what she was staring at. Currently, Kurogane-tan and Angsty McEmoBitch, which is Fei's new nickname for the mage who he couldn't remember the name for, were trying to go around the ninja men, but failing completely. The thought of going under or above them must have slipped their minds completely, as they just continued to try and go around or pass through them.

"If they got to the Princess, how would they unfreeze her, anyway? Would Angsty McEmoBitch use his powers?" Fei wondered outloud.

"His name isn't 'Angsty McEmoBitch', sir." Xing replied, still not really paying attention.

"Dumbass McGee?"

"No, sir."

"Well, I don't know what it really is. It's something like Faui or something." He thought, knowing that the mage had two names, but he couldn't figure out what they were.

"I'm not quite sure myself." She shrugged, taking back out her magazine as soon as she got bored with the mage and ninja's attempts at getting to the princess.

Fei thought about the princess, currently stuck in the ice. Why were they working so hard to release her? Maybe the mage or someone had a crush on her? But, if she was in the ice block, she'd probably die of hypothermia. Would they still love her if she was dead? "Pfft… necrophilia." Fei smirked, chuckling to himself.

Xing glanced up from her magazine, thinking about what her boss could have meant, before wondering if she should have ran away from Fei when she had the chance.

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**Ending Notes:** Reviews are nice. If you giggled, laughed, or even smirked during this chapter, please let me know so I know what you guys think is funny. Kay?


	6. Chapter 6

Chronicles of the AssChin

Disclaimer: Tsubasa equals not mine. Simple math, really.

Spoilers for Chapter 120. Swears.

* * *

"You shouldn't have betrayed me." Fei smirked as he started drinking his wine. 

He glanced away from the travelers through the mirror, at the wall.

"If you hadn't tried to stop me from drinking so much, I might have not ended up doing this." He smiled, his hand barely touching the bloodied sword next to his chair.

No response.

"And of course, how come it so happens that I'm the only one that can't actually travel dimensions? Why can that clone kind, but I can't?!"

No response.

"I should have known you'd be as bad as my mother. She was always like 'no traveling dimensions' or 'no stalking travelers until your homework is done'." He glared at the corpse. "But luckily my dad was always there to back me up, saying 'a boy needs his stalking glass. He won't become a real man without it'." He glanced over at Xing, staring. "And don't go saying anything like 'you don't have parents, Fei!' or 'you were adopted! None of that ever happened!'."

Still No Response.

"…oh wait, you can't say anything like that. You're dead!" He laughed, and then choked, spilling his drink. "Damn-it, Xing, bring me more wine." He looked at the corpse. "…Kyle! Get over here and clean up the mess your female parental figure made!" He paused, about to take another sip from his glass. "…And get me more wine!"

Dr. Kyle, who had returned to Fei's 'secret layer' since his failure, stomped over with his medical kit, and started wiping up the blood off the wall behind Xing.

He sighed, looking up at Fei. "Do you want me try and see if I can bring her back to life?"

Fei waved his hand absently at him. "No, no, just drag her out by the driveway. I'm sure someone out there's a necrophiliac." He chuckled, thinking about frozen princesses and dead mommies. "Now be a good boy and be quiet, I'm trying to watch my favorite action show."

Kyle looked up at the screen. It was simply a show about three people walking- one reading a book, one calling another one nicknames, and the last one yelling and chasing after the nickname-maker. Suddenly, the one reading the book fell, and Fei burst out laughing.

Kyle looked annoyed. "Is that-"

"The place where you failed? But of course." Fei chuckled.

Kyle glared at the screen, before grabbing his adopted-mother's foot and unceremoniously dragging her outside, leaving a trail of blood from where she was to the door.

With Xing gone, Kyle quickly realized he was going to have one hell of a time in Fei's layer…

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry it's soo short! I have another chapter that is almost done, but I didn't know I already wrote this part! I wanted to post this before I posted the other one, though. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chronicles of the AssChin

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Please don't sue me!

SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 166! SWEARS.

* * *

"This is the second curse." Fei laughed, watching the stalker glass. He sipped his cup of coffee- he had run out of wine last week, and he's too much of a badass to go buy more wine, not to mention the fact that Xing is now dead and Kyle, in Fei's mind, would probably confuse black crows for wine- and stared. 

Celes was now closing on the travelers. Fei, being alone, laughed loudly. "I hope it implodes on them."

The world continued to get smaller, and Fei smiled. "Oh man, this is going to be so awesome. It's actually going to- the mage can transport them out of there?! That's cheating!" he yelled.

Kyle peeked his head into the room. "Fei? What's all of this ruckus about??"

Fei ignored him. "LASERS? Why does the pork bun have LASERS?!" he picked up the discarded walkie-talkie from next to his chair. "My Mokona doesn't have lasers! What a rip-off!" he screamed at no one in general, throwing the walkie-talkie at the stalker glass.

The doctor walked into the room, standing next to Fei's chair. "Who are you talking to?"

Fei continued to ignore him, but this time burst out in tears. "No! W-why would you do that, Kurogane-ninja! Why would you do that! You already have a freaking hole in you, and you go and cut your arm off?!" he sobbed.

Kyle blinked. Why was the man ignoring him?! He walked up and poked him in the side. "You caused it. If you hadn't put those stupid curses on the mage, Mr. Black wouldn't be in so much pain."

Fei glared- or rather, he made his chin glare as hard as a manly chin possibly could- at Kyle, refusing to believe a word of it. "You're so grounded for that."

Kyle scratched the back of his head, wondering why the truth got him in trouble. "I wasn't planning on leaving to go anywhere, anyway."

"Can you contact the Dimensional Witch?" Fei asked, his voice still slightly cracking from crying.

Kyle turned around. "Yea, but why?"

"Just do it." Fei ordered, wiping his eyes and making himself look professional. Kyle nodded, performing whatever magic he does to make an image of the witch appear on the wall. She glanced over and became slightly startled at seeing Fei and Kyle.

"Hello, Fei Wong Reed and... Kyle." She said awkwardly, trying to figure out what happened to Xing.

"Hello. I want to make a wish." Fei said.

"I'm sorry, I still can't let you travel dimensions without the price I mentioned earlier." She sighed, getting bored of this constantly repeated conversation. Seriously, he seems to call her weekly, hoping she would change her price!

"I know. I want to know if I can switch to a different manga series." He said, completely straight-faced. "I want to be the main character of Card Captor Sakura or something of the sort…"

Silence crept into the conversation as the witch stared dumbfounded at Fei, until Kyle burst out laughing.

"You're grounded for another week, Kyle."

"You can't be serious!" The doctor choked out, imagining the manly Fei Wong Reed in a girlish pink Card Captor Sakura outfit with 'Catch You Catch Me' playing in the background.

"Well, I am serious." Fei said, not finding amusement in this at all.

"I can't do that, Fei." The witch said finally, with a look of being permanently disturbed etched onto her face. "I... I just can't do that."

"Why not?"

She stared at him as if he had three heads. "Do you know how many eyes would roll out of people's heads if they saw you in a series like that?!"

"…would Syaoran be able to eat those fallen-out eyes? He'd be really strong then." He rubbed his chin. "What color do you think his eyes would be? I wonder if he's eaten any more eyes since he left Kurogane-pon's group."

Yuuko shivered slightly, from either having a weak spot for eye eating just as Xing did, or being extremely agitated. "If that's all you wanted to ask, I shall be taking my leave now."

"No! Wait!" Fei reached out. "If I can't have that wish, then I have a different request."

She stared at him, probably thinking something along the lines of 'I hope those Card Captor Fei Wong Reed images aren't going to be burned in my head for the rest of eternity or you're going to pay.' "What would that be?"

"Make sure Kurogane-tan's group goes to somewhere safe after Celes."

Yuuko's brows furrowed, a look of confusion combining with the STILL permanent look of being disturbed. "Why do you want to do that?"

Fei blinked. "Why not?"

"Well, you can't. Princess Tomoyo already did that." She sighed.

"Screw her and grant my wish."

Yuuko glared. "I'm a dimension witch, not a genie, and I refuse to work with you." She turned away, closing the connection.

"Damnit!" Fei bashed his hands into the chair, and glanced over to see what Kyle was still doing.

The doctor was still laughing on the floor.

Fei glared at nothing in particular, and he decided to take his chances with possibly getting black crows from this request. "Go get me more wine, Kyle."

"A-alright, Card Captor Fei." The doctor stood, giggling and tripping out the door.

"Actually, get me something stronger. I'm going to need it." Fei leaned forward in his chair, and began to rub his temples. He was definitely going to need it.

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Author's Notes: God, that was so much fun to write. Oh, and I'm posting this now, because I felt bad that the last chapter was so short. Please don't kill me if your brain broke because of this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chronicles of the Asschin – Chapter 8 **

Warning: Obviously has some swears. Has some spoilers up to chapter 182. Is a total crack fic.

Notes: FINALLY. GOT. THIS. DONE. Gaaaahhh.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Tsubasa, and I never did and never will._

* * *

Fei Wong Reed, sitting in his chair, as always, took a sip of his wine, as always. It tasted nothing like the wine he usually drank, and he rolled his eyes; of course Dr. Kyle would buy the wrong wine. 

He wanted red wine, damn it, not this god-forsaken crow flavored wine… whatever THAT was. Where the hell did Dr. Kyle find this type of wine, anyway? Did he make a deal with the devil- Yuuko, herself- just to spite him? Did he go out of his way to find the purposely wrong wine just to piss him off?!

While still grieving over how wrong the wine he was sipping was, a portal opened up next to his stalker glass.

And in stepped the clone.

Fei blinked. "Hey, aren't you the wrong kid to be in here?" he said, twirling his wine glass in his hand.

Syaoran stared at him like he had a fly on his face, and he was waiting for the fly just to continue on its daily routine of pissing everyone off. This look of mass boredom, as if nothing in the whole world could make him show any sign of giving a damn, was also otherwise known as the 'Doumeki' look that Fei had heard so much about every single time he tried using his stalker hearing aid to find the dimension travelers.

I mean really, how can one solitary boy, whose name he never caught, produce enough noise to block the whole stalker hearing aid from hearing anything else but him?

Fei mused if he should name the fly, which Syaoran still seemed to be staring at, 'Fai'…

"Why are you here, anyway?" Fei asked, wondering why the stupid kid didn't talk. He could have sworn he gave both Syaorans the ability to talk, and even if he didn't, this Syaoran should have known that simply staring at people won't help you achieve anything! Fei, for one, should know, after staring and glaring so hard at Dr. Kyle to get the right wine, and STILL getting the wrong kind!

Syaoran glanced down at what used to be able to be called 'clothes', and was now just ripped shreds that hang off his body.

"You want new clothes?" Fei offered, still wondering if maybe he got 'Fai' or some other fly stuck in his throat, and that's why he wouldn't talk.

Damn freaking magical flys.

Syaoran nodded. "I need to collect the feathers."

"_Obviously._" Fei's eyes squinted. "But what do clothes have to do with that? They're not free, you know." He watched, suspiciously, while completely oblivious to the fact that his wine-glass-twirling has caused him to spill half of his drink on the floor next to the chair.

Syaoran came dangerously close to glaring at Fei, before storming off.

Fei rolled his eyes, speaking over his shoulder. "If I don't get to have a new collector's edition Card Captor Sakura outfit, you can't have a new Evil Cloney Syaoran outfit."

After the clone had run off to where-ever he ran off to- Fei didn't really care, and was too busy idly wondering if there was magic to really turn Fai into a fly- Dr. Kyle came out, flailing his arms in what someone would call a 'hissy fit'.

"Why is the freaky mismatch-eyed cloney in my drawers?!" he screamed, and Fei glared at him, in deep debate with himself about whether or not he should throw his wine glass at the immature adult. "And why are you spilling the wine I just bought everywhere?!"

Fei dropped the wine glass, completely forgetting about it- or doing it just to spite Dr. Kyle back-, as he put his hands together. "Because it's all part of my plan." He not-really-answered, trying to make it sound like that was, of course, the answer to why Syaoran was in his clothes.

"Spilling wine on the ground is helping you with your plans?"

Fei stared at him, wondering if perhaps the doctor got hit in the head with a shovel to loose enough brain cells to ask that question. "What? Of course not!"

Syaoran came back out, and Dr. Kyle stared at him in a mix of amusement, surprise, and perhaps a slight dash of fear.

"Why the hell are you wearing my clothes?!" Dr. Kyle screamed.

Syaoran glared at Dr. Kyle- while Fei gleamed in the background about how Dr. Kyle so deserved that- and disappeared through another portal.

...Fei was really starting to wish he didn't give Syaoran the ability to go through dimensions-

Wait. He didn't give Syaoran that ability...

Must have been the blue eye. Fei shrugged, figuring it was nothing important to worry about. After all, if he complained enough, he'd probably get his eye eaten, too.

Dr. Kyle glared at the wall where Syaoran disappeared, and took off. "Well if that's how he's going to play, I'm going to go after him and-" He shut up, staring at the stalker glass. "…Did he just stab his girlfriend?"

Fei glanced at the stalker glass, and attempted to take a sip from a glass of wine that he completely forgot was not even there anymore. "I guess so."

"…was he supposed to?"

Fei shrugged. "I can work that into my plan."

Dr. Kyle twisted around to stare at Fei, as if in that answer was the weirdest thing he had ever heard.

Which- of course with exception to the whole topic of Card Captor Sakura- it was, until the next one.

"Hey, can you go steal the dead princess? I need her for my plans."

Dr. Kyle glared at him with a look of completely disgusted. "Why do you need the dead princess? Why couldn't you have used Xing Huo's dead body?"

Fei shrugged, not really caring at all to the glare. If Yuuko's disturbed glare couldn't faze him, then a silly crow-doctor's disgusted glare couldn't do it either. "She's important to my plan."

Dr. Kyle continued to stare at Fei, while Fei tried to find the Fai fly again, until he eventually sighed and created a portal and left.

Why does everyone around him have the ability to make portals?! Does he need to stab them, too?

And wasn't Dr. Kyle still grounded?! Well at least he was actually listening to Fei and not out playing with crows or whatever the hell he did on his free time.

Watching the stalker glass once again, Fei noticed that Dr. Kyle suddenly showed up. "This time, I'm taking this with me." Was all he said before he grabbed Sakura and took off.

…What the hell kind of line was that? And didn't Dr. Kyle know that a PRINCESS is a SHE?

Fei attempted to take another sip of wine- from the glass he STILL didn't have- so he could choke on it and spit it out at the screen about how horrible the line that Dr. Kyle had said was, but there was nothing there in his hand.

So, with no wine to sip from, Fei did what he did best when there was no wine around to sip, and nothing to kill with his big-ass sword; he rubbed his chin and glared at the screen.

A portal next to the screen appeared once again, and Dr. Kyle stepped out, dead teenage princess in his arms, and unceremoniously dropping her in Fei's arms. "Here."

Fei glared at Dr. Kyle, but momentarily forgetting his hatred for that stupid line that the doctor said to the travelers, in replacement for the hatred of a dead girl being placed in his lap.

But..

"Why does she have no blood on her?" Fei asked as Dr. Kyle started to walk away.

The doctor stopped and turned. "Her soul died, not her body."

"…Damn it, and I thought I could use her soul to make a deal with the devil!" He cursed, shaking the dead princess in his lap. "Stupid dead princess! Go get a replacement soul or something! Fetch!" He propped the body of the girl onto her feet, as if she was actually standing, and she collapsed.

"I don't think she can hear you."

Fei turned, quite pissed at Dr. Kyle. "Shut up, you… you… necrophiliac!"

Dr. Kyle blinked, completely confused by the situation. "How am I a necroph-"

"BECAUSE YOU STEAL DEAD GIRLS."

Dr. Kyle rolled his eyes. "You TOLD me to."

Fei rolled his eyes back. "Oh, like THAT gives you permission to go off stealing dead girls. What are you going to do next? Hide little boys in your room and say its part of my plan?"

The clone of Syaoran darted out of Dr. Kyle's room, on the verge of crying.

Dr. Kyle smacked his forehead, and Fei laughed. "I'm not going to ask, Dr. Kyle."

The crow doctor, or whatever the heck kind of doctor he was, glared at Fei. "Shut. Up."

Fei picked up the princess's body, and put his fingers on her cheeks, stretching the line of her mouth into somewhat of a curve. "See? Even the dead girl thinks it's funny."

Dr. Kyle stormed off, obviously pissed at Fei and just about everyone else around him.

Fei grinned at his victory. If he had ever said that 'things can not go any more according to plan', he mused, he must have been lying. **Now** things were going as perfectly to plan as possible.

…even if he did have to change the plan a little bit to make that possible.

* * *

**Author's Note**: You know, this story made me have a nightmare a while ago about FeiKuro. Ewww. I created that freaking pairing, and now I think I'm going to go beat myself in the head with a shovel for it.  
And if someone out there ever draws a Card Captor Fei picture, I'd like to see it. For shits and giggles please?

**Reviews are nice! Positive or negative, I like to see how your reactions were!**


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